Tonyatology

I married a real life Stepfather

2011-11-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

And we escaped with our lives but just barely...

TBC

Things Could Always Be Worse

2011-10-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Did I write a book about how to drop the drama... well I betta check myself cuz I have wrecked myself

I am one dumb *&$%#

If there's a MAN hole I will find it and fall in it

And if I thought I'd had f'd up in the past...I managed to stick my foot even further up my ass with this one. I thought I had laid with Satan before, but Satan looks like Jesus compared with this imposter.

Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart the Lord giveth and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be Praised
Amen

Facebook plus Goldman-Sachs minus Me

2011-01-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

I have really loved Facebook. The opportunity to connect instantly with 500 million people across the globe is awesome. I have reconnected with old friends. I have made new friends. I have advertised events, sold goods. It's just been one of the greatest technologies of our time.

But everything has a price. Facebook has been plagued with security issues. Our legislators lost the battle to save us from ourselves by attempting to regulate how Facebook can use our information.

No matter what Wall Street is doing Main street is still floundering. Housing values continue to plummet, unemployment continues to rise. The financial crisis that nearly took the entire globe out of commission is not over. But some people and companies prospered through it all. They prospered because they designed the mechanism that destroyed the global economy.

Goldman-Sachs is at the top of that list. Facebook has decided to merge and take investments from Goldman -Sachs. Why? because Facebook needs more capital to continue growing at a mind blowing paste, and giving us more of the fun and distraction we've come to desire and require. Many companies go public at this point in their growth. Zuckerberg is quoted as saying "We don't want that much transparency" Goldman-Sachs has already created/found a loophole in the SEC laws that will let Facebook collect investment from large groups of people as if they are only one person. This will allow them to raise the capital they need and avoid any financial disclosure to the government and to the citizens of the world.

The price for our cell phone technology is that our government can spy on us they probably even have the capability of wiping us out if we are interesting enough. Somehow that doesn't worry me so much. Goldman-Sachs having access to my information exceeds the boundaries of my willingness to risk.

For me, it's not much different than inviting a known terrorist into the country, onto the plane, into our home.

I think this is worth discussion. I think it's worth contacting Facebook. I think it's worth a lot of posting and sharing.

I think it's worth me deleting my Facebook account.
I don't expect anyone to do the same.

The most important lesson of my life has been that their are many powers greater than me. Powers which I may not be able to defeat. Powers that have at times had their foot on my neck. Facebook and Goldman Sachs are among those powers.

I may not be able to stop them or change them but I will not be an accessory to my own demise.

With great love and respect,

Tonya Pinkins

CENTENNIAL HIGH SCHOOL HOLIDAY SONG CD

2010-11-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

Has it really been 9 months since I last wrote?

Well I have been very busy. Most recently I have been having a glorious time helping High School Students at Centennial High School in Corona record a cd of holiday songs as a fund raiser for the theater department. This is Maija's first year at Centennial. My husband and I have six years there by the time all four of our children graduate high school. So I intend to take 35 years of passion and professional experience and help build the Centennial Husky Players become as successful as Centennial's Husky Football Team which is number one in the State of California. So check out the website and support live theater.

Centennial High School Holiday Song CD

Great Gifts For Womyn

2010-02-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.just-whatever.com/2007/05/22/itit-apples-latest/

I want this for my birthday

This is what I got for Valentine's day: IPad

c

THE POPCICLE'S COURT: MORTGAGE QUEEN

2010-01-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE POPSICLE'S COURT!

Our gift to you: Episode 3 of our new web series THE POPSICLE'S COURT

We hope you enjoy it.

We've got so many song parodies and not enough hours in the day to create them quickly enough. We hope to catch up with current events once the visions in our heads are all produced.

Tell your friends, comment. Help us grow

JOIN ME IN WEST HOLLYWOOD NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN

2009-12-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

Here are the links

www.hollywood-now.org

http://www.hollywood-now.org/Hollywood_NOW/Join_%26_Donate.html

California's Office for The Investigation of Public Corruption was shut down last year. Even Senator Diane Feinstein can't get any answers.

I will be chairing a committee in the West Hollywood Chapter of N.O.W. It is our intention to make the voice of Californian's heard and to write the legislation to put our needs into action!

If you care and want to make a difference, Please join me!

NEW HAIR NEW YEAR

2009-12-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well I have changed a few things. I'm down almost 45lbs from September 2008. I really let go of the lochs. I haven't decided on the new hair yet. I'm still in transition on it.

But I feel great and grateful.

These are the men in my life. A handsome and highly intelligent crew. I love them all

And I haven't forgotten my girls. We;ll have a blog all to ourselves.

Does the new hair really make me look younger?

THE 12 Days Of Christmas From THE POPCICLES COURT

2009-12-23T08:54:00.000-08:00

2009 is winding down. What an amazing year it has been. One of my personal best. So as we welcome in the New Year. Here's a Christmas favorite song with my own personal slant
of course

Our new video stars a host of new characters including, TuTu Inproperdition, Dr. Negative, Dumb Ass, V.O.R voice of reason, The PoPo, Jr, Super Shallot and Judge Jesus, Ignora the Reporter, The Gaggles, Whisky Esq
Enjoy and have a glorious holiday

I havent written Much Lately

2009-12-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

Its been a busy fall. Lots of deep thought, contemplation and personal confrontation. I witnessed and been in the presence of evil triumphing again and again. I have struggled over why one does good when evil even if it does not prevail is rarely punished. I have studied what I call the "crazy cases" of innocence framed and derailed.
I have witnessed lying, cheating and stealing being rewarded
And what I made of all of that is this
I do good because it is my nature. It is clearly not everyone's nature.
I do good because it feels good and inspiring to help and make something better when I leave than it was when I arrived.
For many the victorious end justifies a wake of destruction in the path behind it.
I do good because I believe in good. Amd even though I get burnt more times that not, I dont ever want to come to believ that the majority way of doing things or the legal way has anything at all to do with the good or thr right way
And I know That no one can answer the question of what that means for ME in any given circumstance or oent'Im probably way obtuse now
but I'm speaking from my heart
Do good for the sake of good.
Plant the seed lets hope it grows
But never forget that many weeds impersonate flowers

Another Day in Court

2009-12-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

http://www.examiner.com/x-14600-LA-Family-Courts-Examiner~y2009m12d19-Freedom-of-Speech-prevails-in-Tonya-Pinkins-casetrain

A Funny News Story

2009-12-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

I think they have a TV show on Tru-TV called world's dumbest criminals. This crime story was sent to me. But Tru could use it for an episode. The comments on the story were even better that the story. The suspect has apparently turned himself in

Is This Our America?

2009-11-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've been following the case of attorney Richard l. Fine. Fine was jailed on contempt indefinitely without bail or hearing. I'm not an expert on these things but apparently this is allowed in our "Free" Country

There is nothing in the news on this case. It's like its embargoed

Watch this video from the Full Disclosure Network. I'd love to hear what you think

Thanksgiving For Our Nature of Good/Godness

2009-11-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

I am a truly blessed individual. I have birthed four healthy, happy children with whom I have wonderful relationships. Life has presented its challenges but as my father said to me before he died,” You are a strong woman. Most people who have gone through what you have would have become drug addicts, criminals, killed someone or killed themselves but you are still standing strong with your L-seven behind.” He always called me an L-Seven, a square because of my passion for truth and justice.

This Thanksgiving I am exceptionally grateful. I think I understand what my Father meant. He was a police officer and he spent a great deal of time with the lower elements. His parties would be filled with the biggest politicians and the biggest drug dealers. He tried to teach me to be more suspicious but my faith has lifted me and allowed me to prosper in the midst of the Lions den

So today I make intercessory prayer for the addicts and criminals who have not been so favored by God. No matter how they search; no matter how they appear to prosper; no matter what successes the world brings them, they are the unfortunate ones born into a nature of weakness. Yes, they will come into many of our lives and wreak havoc, they may be members of our own family.

My experience has taught me that they cannot be reformed; they cannot be healed; they cannot change. We must build our fences to protect ourselves form them because they gravitate in the churches where they seek out the innocent and trusting to make them their victims.

This is one of the consequences of progress. In earlier cultures when one of these were found in the midst of a community a party was held to celebrate them and then push them over a cliff so that their genes could not even proliferate to the next generation.

In today’s world this 4% of the population self selects to work in the professions of law, politics and finance. These are the professions where our global societies have suffered the greatest harm because of the infiltration of freaks of nature.

So for today, lets thank God for our nature of goodness and pray for those few who were not as fortunate. Pray that they will be delivered from their painful existence. For they cannot experience love or creation. They only have the capacity to destroy and conquer. Let us pray for the salvation of their souls .

I am the Revolution

2009-11-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

I staged my first revolution when I was nine years old. I was tall for my age but still had been nicknamed chicken legs and bag of bones. The oppressor state was my mother. We were about the same height but she more than doubled me in weight. And her arsenal of weaponry included extension cords, belts even hair brushes. I can't say what if that was normal for the day. It was normal at my house. I was a straight "A" student,with an IQ of 167 and had already been asked to skip two grades. My mother wouldn't allow it.

My mother often said that she could never punish me by telling me to stay inside or go to my room because I always preferred being by there and was rarely found anywhere else. In my bedroom, which I had been allowed to paint and wall paper and decorate and redecorate as often as my small allowance could afford, I copied the paintings of the masters. I read the World Book Encyclopedia from cover to cover of every volume my mother had been able to afford.

Yet, despite my penchant for the reclusive, there would always come some disobedience I had committed and for which I was required to remove my clothes and lie down and silently endure a whuppin'. I suppose that was a step up from when I was three or four years old and she would shove me over and squeeze my head between her knees and beat my bare bottom while I screamed and suffocated inside her polyester night dresses. In first grade someone had noticed my bruises and my mother was questioned. She obviously gave the right answers because nothing was ever mentioned again,

I begged my estranged father to take me away, to take custody of me. And he has said yes. I remember dressing up for one of the few times that he actually "showed up" instead of "standing me up for a visit." It was our secret. He was taking me to see "somebody" who would "fix" everything. I remember sitting alone in the big office filled with wall to wall shelves of books and a couch that even as tall as I was, nearly enveloped me. My father went in to talk to Alderman Vrodolyak.

When my dad came out he said, "Ok are you sure you want to do this?" I nodded my head vigorously. He told me to go in and tell Mr Vrodolyak that I did not want to live with my mom anymore. I jumped up from the couch anxious to be free. And just before I got to the door he said, once you do this your mother is going to be very angry, you won't be able to go back to live with her and you can't live with me."

I stopped, stunned. Where would I live? With my grandmother? I already did that from time to time. But my mother would demand my return. My heart stopped I felt in that moment that I could not ever trust anyone to love me or take are of me. I changed my mind. There seemed no point in going in. I told him that I didn't want to go and he took me home and we never spoke of it again. Unbeknownst to me something had changed in me.

On the next occasion that I was to be punished and again required to remove my clothing and lay down and silently take it lest my crying provoke even harder strikes and the provocation, "Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about" I refused to submit.

My mother stood across the room from me, belt in her thick hands. "Toni, I told you to lay down"

I didn't move. She walked toward me and I grabbed a bottle and broke it on a counter top. I brandished it daring her to approach. We lived in a ranch house on the south side of Chicago. There were three bedrooms on one side of the house and a living room, dining room and kitchen on the other side. There was a hallway with entrances to the other side of the house off the living room and off the kitchen. The door to the basement and back yard was at the back of the house off my bedroom and the kitchen. You could run circles in that house. She rushed me and I ran. She chased me and I ran around and around and down into the basement.

She followed me downstairs. She stood staring breathlessly at me. We were at a standoff. "Toni, have you lost your mind?" I think I had found it, but I didn't answer. I just kept brandishing the bottle. She looked at little me. She thought about it. She laughed to herself. Clearly she could take me if she wanted to. But clearly I was going to put up a fight and someone was going to get cut up pretty badly from that broken bottle.

She nodded her head "Alright miss lady, you think you're grown, hmmm hmm" I stood there only thinking that I was not going to lie down. That's all I knew. I waited for the attack. Each second seemed to drag on as we stared each other down alone in the underground room.

She backed down, backed off went upstairs and let me be. I stayed awake all night holding that bottle crying ,worrying, knowing whatever she would do next would probably be worse than anything I could imagine. But that night I didnt back down.

And she never asked me to lay down for a whupping again. From then on it was just kicks and punches. But the revolution had happened. I had refused to submit, to cooperate with being beaten. And though she still beat me, I was no longer complicit in my own abuse.

Today as I fight corruption in the legal system and the in the government, I am even more outnumbered and outgunned. But the victory is in my refusal to lay down and die because someone's foot is on my neck. I will kick and struggle and resist with every last breath that is within me. I will not lay down for my oppressors even when I must stand alone. The revolution is in me.

FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT

2009-10-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've written. I've been busy. My friends have been busy too. Check out the links below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EI_VapR8_Q

http://www.bringmaijapinkinshome.org/

Sign The Petition. Forward the Link to everyone You know. We have power in numbers
thank you in advance for your support

http://bringmaijapinkinshome.info/?page_id=22

I'm reactivated. I havent been doing activism for a long time. Maybe thats why God put me in this situation again so this time I can make a difference.

Family Court all over America is bad. Guardian ad litems (children's lawyers) can be bought

I left law school because the word truth was never spoken. My professors told me I would be a great lawyer because i was a great actress. But when I act I try to tell the ultimate truths.

Not so in the law if I can convince you that 2 plus 2 is 5 as a lawyer, Ive done a great job

Remember the lawyers are never sworn in. Never. There isnt even a pretense that they are telling the truth and as you can see from the video and the transcript they do lie

The ghost that haunts me is barely visible to the cameras eye but oh its evil power is felt throughout my life

The next videos promise to be hysterical as many of my artistic friends take on the story with wit, satire and wickedness

Stay tuned

HAIR

2009-07-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

Life is becoming very Black and White with age.

First there are the Black hairs that are taking over my entire face.

Then there are the White hairs which are taking over my head

Its not just aging, its reverse evolution I'm returning to the Planet of The Apes.

Today I decided to fight back against my premature hirsuteness.

My Doctor says I'm too young for it to be hormones.

And there was just so much of it, I cant believe it can be attributed to the dripping off the two weeks of female Rogaine usage.

Whatever the cause, today I went in search of the cure

At Raya Day Spa, the sumptuous Russian, Tania. promised to make look "Bweteefull"

I had taken 3 advil in preperation for the stripping of my Elvis sideburns

But Tania had more in store

"You vant me to tek allovit?"

"Yes all of it"

"You vill be bweteefull"

She began with my brows. Not much there especially because I am trying out the new Anastasia styled thick ebrows

Next she moved to my forehead.

"Ouch"

then my cheeks

OUch , ouch, ouch

And my beard

"Holy fuck"

I asked for her to stop half way through so I could see the difference

It was like night and day. The waxed side was bright and shiny albeit red and bruised

While the unwaxed side was shadowed and reminded me of Michael's Jackson's pet Bubbles

"Keep going"

I braced my self, squeezing my eyes tight and flinching with every rip of the cloth

"How about your nose?"

"My nose"

"Oh it's nasty nasty'

She shoved a lollipop stick of wax up my nose and then shoved the clothe strip inside"

OOOOOuch

She held up the blackened clothe

"Look at dis, nasty"

Two more swipes and my nose was visible. I looked at one nostril and then the other. The waxed one looked like a human nasal passage while the unwaxed one a black pit an abyss of mucosal snot

I had never seen my nostrils before

At least not in years

maybe I just hadn't been looking

Now Tania wanted to do more, my legs

I never wax my legs but when I glanced down I had become a grizzly bear overnight. Hairs grew from the knuckles of my toes

"I'm scared Tania"

"It's nothing, you don't need this its summer you don't need to keep warm"

"O kouch"

This went on for a good hour

Thank God for the Advil though next time I may bring morphine

I'm guilty

2009-06-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

Its always easy to know whats best for somebody else
I'm guilty
I was just remembering different things people have said to me over the years. Everybody knows what you should and if you do it and it doesn't come out the way they said , it was your fault

nobody even takes responsibility for not knowing anything about their own damn lives and especially not knowing enough to tell anybody else anything

I'm guilty
One "friend" told another "I don't think Tonya likes me because she never does what I tell her to do"
It is so easy to stand in judgment over somebody else's life

I'm guilty

I've had to make a lot of tough decisions in my life. Do I have regrets? Absolutely
Do they plague me at times
Absolutely
Would I do it differently
I don't know
I'm not who I was them. that me was doing the best she could

the toughest part for me is the people who know whats best for you

And who cant wait to say "I told you so or I knew it" mostly they are simply silently smug

I'm guilty (mostly with my kids on this one)

Well right now Ive gotta do some hard shit. And everybody's got an opinion. And nobody knows anything
The people who project their own fear on you are the one's who curse you. they can't imagine anything but their fear scribbled outcome.

I'm guilty

I'm guilty of every judgment, projection, trespass...

But right now I just need the power of prayer and loving support
Hold me up somebody
See me in the light

Doing Your Thing

2009-06-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

This rant probably makes little sense out of context. But, I wrote it in response to a friend's loving warnings not to take on a nasty public fight with some folks who I allowed myself to become a victim of.

There was a quote on my igoogle page yesterday that said something like "Always and Never are two words one should always remember to Never use"

My Oprah quote about being "One of the ten women in America who will take your breath away," is a result of that early battle in NY. And now I'm doing it again in CA after telling myself "never again"

My "not doing it again" was based on the fact that, when I stood up against the NY judge and participated in having him removed from the bench, not a single other mother whom it would have helped, whom it did help, stood beside me. My comrades were older woman, long past motherhood

We succeeded and it cost me two years of seeing my kids. And I have no regrets. I am wiser now in that I know that if I bring these people down ,I cannot expect the assistance of the dozens of others she's defrauded. they are too afraid. I get most of my info from them but they would never stand up for themselves
So I do it for myself, because I don't want to live in a world where things are so bad that you just have to suffer in silence. I"D RATHER DIE FIGHTING

My therapists specialty is survivors IN war. He spent time in Bosnia and Kosovo during the war. He told me that those people survive by taking turns carrying the burden, But the leaders don't get to share the burden with anyone

Sister Morningstar believes she has died a martyr in every past life. And her mission this time is to do it differently. I tried that choice on for a while.

Its not my path

My biggest fault has been that in the fight I have shunned certain kinds of allies and rested when the pressure eased, which is exactly when I should have been doubling my efforts.

This time, I'm learning. I'm learning that when the other side fights dirty. You must use the same tactics for to assume being above that is to lose.

Sometime, you might want to read some Fox-Piven. I cant recall her first name. But she writes about how all the great "movements of the last century, abolition, suffrage, civil rights, had to break the rules and laws that were designed to keep them from having what they were fighting for.

Maija is a survivor. She is the better version of me.

Morningstar said all girls must become their mothers. And you want your daughter to say when the tough moment comes "Ah that's why mother..." rather than " I will never, because mother...."

I want my son and daughter to stand up and fight because mother did and no matter how difficult and no matter what the outcome she did it and to be able to appreciate that.

The Price of progress

2009-05-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

I am emailing in flight for the first time

I remember when the fax machine became affordable and readily available. I would sit up all night faxing. I was so amazed by the technology. I'm sure my friends and co-workers were not so pleased with my using up their ink and paper to share every new idea that pooped into my head.

Now I'm just as giddy with inflight email. I should be sleeping since I only had 4 hours but I cant help emailing people to say "I'm emailing inflight"

How...ridiculous

and addictive

Technology fascinates and frightens me. That's the addictive combination pleasure plus danger equal adrenalin rush!!!!!

I remember reading FOUR ARGUMENTS FOR THE ELIMINATION OF TELEVISION and it was either that or IN THE ABSENCE OF THE SACRED that puts forth the proposition that every new technology is sold to us for the good qualities even though the marketeers are fully aware of all of the BAD qualities.

And we buy into the good with a tacit and implicit acceptance of whatever negative consequence it carries

Like, I was listening to two guys in the gym. They happened to be a White guy and a Black Guy. The white guy was talking about how he sold insurance. And that there used to be a time when people would call and the standard answer was "I'll get back to you.' And we folks expected to wait a few weeks for a response. He said now folks call and they have 10 quotes from the internet infront of them and they want your answer immediately or they are moving on to whomever can get it to them quicker and cheaper.

On the one hand the guys were saying it has made most companies have to produce, better, cheaper and faster but...

But, they extrapolated, this ready availability of transporting information and purchasing and selling has a direct correlation to the global financial collapse.

The Black guy said, "Yeah people used to have to hand write quotes for stock sales and there was a delivery process and time. Now suddenly with internet transactions, there were millions of transactions a second. And there is just no way it is humanly possible to moniter or oversee the truth or validity with that kind of volume.

Yeah, so we've got our speed and convenience but so have the criminals. they can now get paid quicker and disappear quicker and not only never get caught because they have anonymity online but because there are just too many of them to catch

So while I'm loving my inflight email today...
I might not feel the same once the first inflight hackers start pulling my paswords and private information because now we are locked in a box together for several hours and their devices have the time to work things out and I will never know what hit me

Mortality

2009-05-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm too old to feel so obsolete. At least I think I am. But I feel very out of touch.

But then people twice my age have been running the world for as long as Ive been living.

Its just that I have children in multiple generations. And I dont know what they're talking about. And they laugh at the things I say. And ask me what things were like in the "olden days"

Ive lost my passion for creativity. I wonder if anyone is still out there who even thinks the way that I do.

For instance, is there anyone out there who thinks that releasing your sex tapes or letting people watch you cheat on your mate , beat up your rival or just fuck up and over everyone in your family and life might be the kind of thing to keep in the closet.

Oh its fun to watch! But then I start wondering if that's what it takes to get on TV and if it is I just don't have what it takes.

For one, I'm too wide and round for anyone to wanna watch me having sex except as maybe an advertisement for birth control

And its hard to have rivals when you're in bed by ten and cant remember the last time you were in a bar and basically aren't in the game to generate any competition.

And the shit gets me fired up to fuck people up is stuff like justice and basic human rights which are so passe, so illogical, irrational and just plain out of touch with reality.

Ive been watching the news and I anticipate the next crop of reality shows will be : White Collar Crime: the cream rises to the top or For Honor and Country-Tips on degrading and humiliating the enemy

Oprah apologized to James Frey. Do you think she'll call in a personal favor and ask Obama to pardon Madoff

I'm plotting my own rise to the top, I know I'll have to get dirty and throw open the closet and let all my dirty laundry fly

stay tuned somethin's brewin'

New Year New.....?

2009-05-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

Okay so the year is half over.
So I shot new actor photos this past week. Great photographer, Jeff Nicolson of The Shot Photography. Alex kelly did my hair. Mary Kula and Lisa Arturo did the make-up.
The catch is I feel and photigraph younger and better than I'm ever cast.
We tried to do goofy and old and it didn't quite work out.

The fact is no one is hiring me to be sexy, even though grandmothers have to be fuckable to get a job in Hollywood. And I'm everybody's mama or grandmama

So I love the photos. But will the girl in them get any work...?

Lets hope so

30lbs to go....

Plateau

2009-04-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

Seven months and 35lbs down. I was a size 16 and now I'm a twelve. I wish I could say I truly feel the difference. Oh I know there is a difference. Ive loved buying and whereing clothes i wouldnt have been caught dead in last year. And the attention and looks are nice, A preety woman can really have her way
My biggest challenge is the dysmorhia. I internally and emotionally feel fatter than ever. Somehow the rolls I see now seem so much worse. One of my friends once said to me that when you get smaller you see MORE in terms of definition and musculature and it can translate into more size in the dysfunctional mind because when you're larger you're just one amorphous ball
I can sort of relate to that. Lot of stress so I havent been able to cut back on my eating any extra or add any more exercise. Been holding between these 5lbs for a month. But thats pretty good considering that Ive been to the best eating towns in America and managed to maintain

Going on vacation. If I don't gain it is a success

Weight Watchin'

2009-01-26T06:49:00.001-08:00

Dysmorphia is a Mofo. I took photos in august just before trying Ricki Lakes food delivery system. Life kicked it, stress hit and I packed on a good 10-15 pounds from the photo. Went for a physical in September and was shocked to be so perilously close to the 200lb mark. I headed over to weight watchers where the wonderful leader Amy touched my heart. Now down 29lbs with 30 to go its still hard to SEE the difference or even Feel it for that matter. My self identity is internally driven. I kinda feel the same weight up or down. Well.... actually I have enjoyed buying some cute little clothes that were definitely out of the question this summer
August 2008

Today

My Art Imitates My Life

2008-12-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

I always noticed that my ALL My Children story lines would somehow align with my own life. When I lost custody of my sons in 1993 I think it was Brooke that I was representing who lost custody of her child. Here we are in 2008 (it will air in 2009) and I'm representing someone in taking a child away from their mother. I haven't appeared on the show in over six months and I return and its as if Chuck Pratt Jr was writing my life. I'm asking my male client if he really believes his ex-wife would harm her child. And he replies that he does. The Mother gets on the stand and drops all her prescription drugs and kind of lays it out for the judge and everyone else in the court room that she is a prescription addict at the very least and possibly mentally insane.
And of course my client wins!
So I guess its not a minute too soon that we are moving to the big five bedroom house with four recreational rooms. If my All My Children history repeats itself, my family is about to expand.

If You think you can or if you think you can't youre right

2008-10-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have decided to no longer trust the mind. As to what I will depend on in its stead, that has yet to be determined. The mind is a more efficient machine than the body. Now they tell us that the body given less calories will readjust itself to only require less calories. So to all us dieters less calories just means more of us. It's kind of tangential but try to stay with me... the mind can tell you and show you what you need, want can bare to know. For instance if a trauma is severe enough, say childhood sex abuse, the mind will often "Gate" that information and the abused person wont 'remember the event. Now there will be traces of behavior from the event but the memory will be impossibly out of reach unless and until the individuals emotional , psychological capacity can handle the information.
So, Ive heard of people whose mind tells them that their sex abise was a really good thing for them.
Okay, so if the mind can do that what other tricks does it play on us?

Well what immediately pops into mind is the way alot of us believed the mortgage brokers who said we could have houses and seemingly never have to pay for them because the houses would keep going up in value and then we'd just reborrow from this new money (equity) and the house would virtually pay for itself.... or so they said

They is always some authority figure who presents something to us that is much preferable to the negative stimulous and input that the outside world is providing: bounced checks, no job, creditor harassment. The mind can convince you that none of that matters

And then there is Sarah Palin telling us that Barack Obama hangs out with terrorists and she read it in THE NEW YORK TIMES. I'm sure that little mind of hers didnt even see the part that said there was no evidence of any ongoing relationship between Barack and Ayers now or in the past.

The mind is a scarey monster

So I'm not gonna trust it anymore. For today, I'm gonna rely on my feelings. yeah that low level neanderthal stuff. Oh no, in some peoples minds evolution does not exist. well feekings are like...ugh....ouch when people are saying that "Your incompetance is breathtaking" No that wont work because your mind can convince that the people who are saying it are the incompetant ones

And so we go around and around believing whatever the mind telkls us or whatever we want to believe in any moment and changing it because the mind will support seeing it any way we choose.

Some say I'll believe it when I see it others say You won't see it until you believe it

The mind will let you have it either way

Miss D-mail

2008-09-29T20:23:00.001-07:00

I got an email from a friend today. He called me Miss D-Mail.He called me the doom sender , said he was afraid to open my emails, told me to "Shift or get off the pot"

Look I wrote a book about this stuff so I take responsibility when I say, The Secret was the drug that blinded us and made the way for this mess to happen.

It's hard to stay awake. It's easier to vibrate on the good life but as a nun friend said to me, " A lot of my clients were closing their eyes and holding the vibration while the furniture was being carried out"

Now, if The Secret had worked shouldn't all of us who bought into it be having our own golden parachutes?

I'm just saying....
So here's Nancy Pelosi telling the House of Representatives the truth and that is the secret some of us still don't want to know

Garrison Keillor on The Bailout

2008-09-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

The bailout: Couldn't make this stuff up

GARRISON KEILLOR, Star Tribune

It's just human nature that some calamities register in the brain and others don't. The train engineer texting at the throttle ("HOW R U? C U L8R") and missing the red light and 25 people die in the crash -- oh God, that is way too real -- everyone has had a moment of supreme stupidity that came close to killing somebody. Even atheists say a little prayer now and then: Dear God, I am an idiot, thank you for protecting my children.

On the other hand, the federal bailout of the financial market (YAWN) is a calamity that people accept as if it were just one more hurricane. An air of crisis, the secretary of the treasury striding down a hall at the Capitol with minions in his wake, solemn-faced congressmen at the microphones. Something must be done, harrumph harrumph. The Current Occupant pops out of the cuckoo clock and reads a few lines off a piece of paper, pronouncing all the words correctly. And the newscaster looks into the camera and says, "Etaoin shrdlu qwertyuiop." Where is the outrage?

Poor Larry Craig got a truckload of moral condemnation for tapping his wingtips in the men's john, but his party proposes to spend 5 percent of the GDP to buy up bad loans made by men who walk away with their fortunes intact while retirees see their 401(k) go pffffffff like a defunct air mattress, and it's business as usual. John McCain is a lifelong deregulator and believer in letting brokers and bankers do as they please -- remember Lincoln Savings and Loan and his intervention with federal regulators on behalf of his friend Charles Keating, who then went to prison? Remember Neil Bush, the brother of the C.O., who, as a director of Silverado S&L, bestowed enormous loans on his friends without telling fellow directors that the friends were friends and who, when the loans failed, paid a small fine and went skipping off to other things? McCain now decries greed on Wall Street and suggests a commission be formed to look into the problem. This is like Casanova coming out! for chastity.

Confident men took leave of common sense and bet on the idea of perpetual profit in the real-estate market and crashed. But it wasn't their money. It was your money they were messing with. And that's why you need government regulators. Gimlet-eyed men with steel-rim glasses and crepe-soled shoes who check the numbers and have the power to say, "This is a scam and a hustle and either you cease and desist or you spend a few years in a minimum-security federal facility playing backgammon."

The Republican Party used to specialize in gimlet-eyed, steel-rim, crepe-soled common sense and then it was taken over by crooked preachers who demand we trust them because they're packing a Bible and God sent them on a mission to enact lower taxes, less government. Except when things crash, and then government has to pick up the pieces.

Some say the tab might come to a trillion dollars. Nobody knows. And McCain has not one moment of doubt or regret. He switches from First Deregulation Church to Our Lady of Strict Vigilance like you might go from decaf to latte. Where is the straight talk? Does the man have no conscience?

It wasn't their money they were playing with. It was yours. Where were the cops?

What we are seeing is the stuff of a novel, the public corruption of an American war hero. It is painful. First, there was his exploitation of a symbolic woman, an eager zealot who is so far out of her depth that it isn't funny anymore. Anyone with a heart has to hurt for how McCain has made a fool of her. Never mind the persistent cheesiness of his attack ads. And now this chasm of debt and loss and the gentleman pretends to be shocked. He was there. He turned out the lights. He sent the regulators home.

McCain seems willing to say anything, do anything, to get to the White House so he can go to war with Iran. If he needs to recline naked in Macy's window, he would do that, or eat live chickens, or claim to be a reformer. Obviously you can fool a lot of people for a while and maybe he can stretch it out until mid-November. But the truth is marching on. A few true conservatives are leading a charge against the bailout. Good for them. But how about admitting that their cowboy economic philosophy was at fault here?

Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" can be heard Saturday nights on public radio stations across the country. His column is distributed by Tribune Media Services.

John D. Maguire, President Emeritus

Claremont University Consortium & Graduate University

Institute for Democratic Renewal? Project Change

How The Red States Choose their Candidates

2008-09-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Didn't they make a movie and a re-make about this??...sounds like the Manchurian Candidate....this is pretty fascinating -----

I sure can’t answer these questions.

You HAVE to admit, these are very good questions! I don't know who the author is.

Questions?

MAYBE I'VE GOTTEN THIS ALL WRONG - ME JUST BEING AN AVERAGE MIDDLE CLASS GUY WITHOUT MUCH FORMAL EDUCATION BEYOND

A B.A. DEGREE...BUT NOW, CHECK THIS OUT:

THIS MAN WANTS OUR VOTE FOR U.S. PRESIDENT - HIS FATHER WAS A KENYAN, AND A BLACK- WE SAW ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS

NICE AFRICAN FAMILY.

HIS MOTHER IS KANSAN, ATHEIST, AND WHITE. SO - WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PICTURES OF HIS NICE WHITE MOTHER AND HIS NICE WHITE

KANSAS GRANDPARENTS - THE ONES WHO RAISED HIM ALL THOSE EARLY YEARS?

LETS SEE - HIS FATHER DESERTED HIS MOTHER AND HIM WHEN HE WAS VERY YOUNG AND MOVED BACK TO LIVE WITH HIS FAMILY IN

KENYA (THAT'S THE ONES IN THE PICTURES).

HIS WHITE MOTHER THEN MARRIED AN INDONESIAN MUSLIM AND TOOK HIM TO THE CITY OF JAKARTA WHERE HE WAS FIRST SCHOOLED IN A MUSLIM SCHOOL .

HIS MOTHER THEN MOVED TO HAWAII AND HE WAS RAISED BY HIS WHITE MIDDLE CLASS - AMERICAN GRANDPARENTS THERE.

UMMM...NOW HERE'S THE BEGINNING OF THE HARD PART FOR ME (HELP ME OUT HERE, IF YOU CAN):

SOMEHOW, SUDDENLY - HE WENT TO THE BEST HIGH DOLLAR PREP SCHOOLS IN AMERICA , AND NEXT HE GOT INTO A TOP IVY LEAGUE

COLLEGE , AND LATER, INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL - HOW? WHO SPONSORED HIM? WHO PAID FOR ALL THAT SCHOOLING?

(HAVE YOU LOOKED AT TUITION EXPENSES TO ATTEND UNDERGRADUATE YALE LATELY?

HOW ABOUT HARVARD LAW SCHOOL ? SOMEBODY PAID A LOT OF BUCKS FOR THIS KID'S IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.......)

WHO? HE APPARENTLY DID NOT HAVE SCHOLARSHIPS THAT PAID IT ALL FROM WHAT WE READ.

HE ALSO DID NOT HAVE TO BORROW FOR COLLEGE , ALSO FROM WHAT WE READ. SO???

THAT BRINGS US TO THE MORE CURRENT YEARS:

A U.S. SENATOR'S SALARY IS NOT THAT GREAT, BUT THIS YOUNG MAN AND HIS YOUNG WIFE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT A $1.4 MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE THAT HE ACQUIRED THROUGH A 'DEAL' WITH A WEALTHY FUND

RAISER, A FUND RAISER WHO APPARENTLY IS A CRIMINAL LAW BREAKER PER THE NEWS.

WHAT SORT OF 'DEAL'?

AND, RIGHT OUT OF HARVARD LAW, HE 'WORKED' AS A CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST IN CHICAGO . WHAT KIND OF PAY IS THIS, WE CAN ASSUME IT IS LITTLE OR NOTHING PAY WISE! OR IS THERE OTHER KIND OF PAY INVOLVED??

HE THEN ENTERED POLITICS AT THE STATE LEVEL WHICH CERTAINLY IS A LOW PAYING JOB, AND THEN MOVED RIGHT TO THE NATIONAL LEVEL. DID HE "FUND RAISE" TO GET THE FUNDS TO GET ELECTED? WHAT KIND OF PROMISES

DID HE MAKE?

NOW, HE SCRAMBLES TODAY WITH A NICE SMILE BUT VERY MINIMAL EXPERIENCE IN ANYTHING - WHILE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE HIS RAH-RAH SPEECHES FOR HIM.

IN ALL HIS MINIMAL TIME IN THE STATE, AND NATIONAL LEGISLATURES -

HE'S NEVER LAUNCHED ANY IMPORTANT LEGISLATION, NONE WHATSOEVER.

MOSTLY, OF LATE FOR SOME TWO YEARS, HE'S BEEN OUT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

THEN COME THE ENDORSEMENTS FOR HIM FROM OTHER COUNTRIES, ONES THAT ARE NOT EXACTLY USA FRIENDS, LIKE THE IRAN PRES, FRENCH PRES, THE IRAQ MINISTER THAT WANTS USA OUT. HMMM WHAT DO THEY SEE IN HIM THAT THEY LIKE?

HE CLAIMS TO BE 'PROUD OF HIS AFRICAN HERITAGE' -- NICE BUT -- IT SEEMS THAT HIS ONLY CONNECTION WITH AFRICA WAS THAT HIS AFRICAN FATHER GOT A WHITE AMERICAN GIRL PREGNANT AND THEN DESERTED HER.

UMMM....WHERE IS THE OUTSPOKEN PRIDE IN HIS WHITE HERITAGE?

AFTER ALL - IT WAS WHITE GRANDPARENTS THAT RAISED HIM!

HE IS PRESENTLY A MEMBER, OR WAS UNTIL POLITICS NECESSITATED A CHANGE, FOR OVER 20 YEARS OF AN 'AFROCENTRIC' CHURCH IN CHICAGO THAT SEEMINGLY HATES WHITES, HATES JEWS, AND BLAMES AMERICA FOR

ALL THE WORLD'S FAULTS.

HE REPEATEDLY COVERED UP FOR THAT PASTOR AND THAT CHURCH -
SAYING THAT HE CAN SEPARATE THE RELIGION FROM THE POLITICS, WHEN

HE HEARS A HATE-WHITEY SERMON.

HE CLAIMED THAT HE WAS SIMPLY UNABLE TO CONFRONT HIS PASTOR OF 20+ YEARS ABOUT THE PASTOR'S DEMONSTRATED UN-AMERICAN BIAS.

BUT -- HE WANTS US TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN CONFRONT NORTH KOREA AND IRAN AND RUSSIA WHEN THE TIME ARISES TO TAKE AMERICA 'S SIDE.

YEAH - WITH HIS BACKGROUND AND EXPERIENCE, HE 'HOPES' THAT HE

COULD BE A "UNITER" AND BRING US ALL TOGETHER;

BUT - WE ARE LEFT TO THINK THAT THE REAL 'HOPE' IS, THAT HE REALLY HOPES THAT NO ONE WILL PUT ALL THESE PIECES TOGETHER, AT LEAST NOT UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

YOU MIGHT SEND THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND - GET OUT AND VOTE.

I have no comment because it speaks for itself

News from the Red Lands

2008-09-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have just been ignoring my blog in favor Facebook. It's just so easy to share and post things there. But now I noticed the little b icon here and maybe I can share here too. I'm not very computer savvy so we shall see. I wasn't to share a cartoon from an email. So I'm going to try to link to it

It was in response to my request to a friend in Mississippi to let me know what is going on in the Redlands. if I can figure it out i will share more of it
Here goes

and it didn't work
but here is something similar. Only in my email he was the Pied Piper and the rats were all the news stations

A Republican response to Democratic " Propaganda"

2008-09-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

This kind of email requires a response and here's a response in red.

· If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."
The quotations around exotic and different indicate that someone said this… who, exactly, said it?

* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, a quintessential American story.

"Quintessential"? I wouldn't argue that that is quintessential – this person should look up the definition before using such an adjective. But then again, it seems as if he/she is citing Right-wingers without actual citations.

* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
There was SPECULATION that Barack was Muslim. In his interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, he says "my Muslim faith," even though he admits to slipping up (after Stephanopoulos corrects him).

* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

What does naming your kids have anything to do with being a maverick? That's just downright idiotic.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
What? Once again – this e-mail is taking a good thing Barack has done in his past, and pairing it with an outrageous accusation (obviously coming from Obama's critics – even though he/she doesn't provide sources). But that's not the point, some of the accusations from Obama's critics are accurate, just not for the reasons the e-mail says. This is dumb, but I'll keep going…

* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senatorrepresenting a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

See above in highlighted yellow first.

- 3 years as a "brilliant" community organizer? What does that mean? Brilliant?

- His Senate record (in the State and in the U.S.) has been consistently ridiculed – and rightfully so, look it up – for containing below-par substance. People will brag that Obama has signed hundreds of thousands of pieces of legislation, but that literally translates as: he signs his name.

- I don't argue that he doesn't have legislative experience – but EXECUTIVE experience is what really matters when potentially becoming "the country's second highest ranking EXECUTIVE." Morons. (below)

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

The above comment is the most telling… and why liberals swing and miss. I'll admit… Palin's experience is not great, but neither is Obama's, Many could argue that Palin has more experience than Obama, others could argue that Obama has more than Palin – but isn't that where the problem is, comparing the top of the ticket to the bottom of the other ticket? McCain is more qualified than the other ticket combined + Palin. But I'm not voting for Palin… Palin is at the BOTTOM of the ticket, whereas Barack Obama is at the top. This attempt at debate is rhetorically illogical and is seemingly flawed – they fall into a trap when they try to go this route, and end up sounding ridiculous.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

Yea, Protestant churches with REVERAND WRIGHT. Some of Wright's comments (Obama had been affiliated with him for around 20 years, by the way):

- Black's should not sing God Bless America, but God Damn America

- The U.S. brought on 9/11 from its own terrorism

- http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/Story?id=4443788 (see this link for more…)

And then, Obama says that his church (with Wright) isn't controversial. Talk about naivety.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/09/16/prominent-clinton-backer-and-dnc-member-to-endorse-mccain/

Check out that story… pretty neat. Also, go to realclearpolitics.com and look at the new projected Electoral College map… McCain is up by about 30 votes. The election is leaning in his favor..

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate laywer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.

· If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.

Sorry, friends and loved ones... I just had to... it's kinda important.

Barack's next Campaign poster

2008-09-15T14:28:00.001-07:00

I wanted to write about Palin but better minds have

2008-09-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

See Anna Quindlen in News Week

Whoopi Goldberg says she's dangerous

http://www.wowowow.com/post/whoopi-goldberg-sarah-palin-republican-national-convention-96289

Eve Ensler too

Subject: Eve Ensler

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a
member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of
drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a
particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or
their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have
never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that
they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar
bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life
trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence
against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the
Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people
who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of
Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical
to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving
the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls
options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence
and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous
choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates
the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas
that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the
impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately,
this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the
inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor.
In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets
better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting
of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the
pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is
fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The
earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves
and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be
taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she
said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women
who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should
have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or
not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I
imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many
babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she
has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense
with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an
environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and
might very well be the next president of the United States. She would
govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle.
She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds
of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right.
But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is
declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his
name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the
undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election
in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not
just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we
create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for
humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and
diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through
invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for
oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives
that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine
if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build
more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is
a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism
and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your
power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the
hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of
teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction.
I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force
mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity
or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor
of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations
and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call
life?

Eve Ensler

September 5, 2008

--

Gossip on with your Sad Self!

2008-09-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.blackbottom.com/watch.php?v=WdBJd9b9i8A&featuretive_sharin

This is very amusing. Well it won't be for everyone

September 11, 2008 Seventh anniversary

2008-09-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

There is a beautiful op ed in the NY Times today. It moved me. It moved me more than when I stood in my Los Angeles Apartment at 7am with my then 2 and 4 years olds watching as the second plane hit the Tower and then watching the buildings go down into rubble. I didn't visit ground zero until 2006. I didnt want to see the movies or the documentaries. But this past weekend I watched several documentaries on the National Geographic channel and I was moved beyond the conspiracy theories to the individual stories of pain and loss and heroism.

My partner asked if it made me feel Patriotic. No it did not. I don't know that anything would make me feel justfied to go out in retaliation and kill other countries sons , daughters, mothers and fathers. No I don't even want to know what would make me go there.

But on September 11, 2001 what I thought as I watched it go down in the safety of my bed room 3000 miles away was "Now they know what I feel"

And thats hard to explain. But NY has been the site of my greatest triumphs as well as my greatest tragedies. I never wanted to move there. I turned down Juilliard because it was there. It's always been a very terrifying place for me. And after going through, at that point, eight years of corruption and lies and having felt that the judicial system had committed personal acts of terrorism against me, I thought now NY knows how I feel.

Because as I suffered my personal tragedy people didn't believe the stories I told. They thought it was my fault. These things don't happen. They've never happened to me. And suddenly it had happened to a whole city, something so devastating and horrifying that no one was in their tower of safety and security. Everyone was grieving as I had grieved for eight years and as I continue to grieve for my own losses.

I am sorry for all those who lost loved ones in 911. But I am also sorry for everyone who loses someone whether in war, accidents, suicides or divorce.

I don't believe there are degrees of loss or pain or suffering. It just hurts. And your hurt is as meaningful as mine.

Prayers for the peace that passes all understanding to anyone anywhere who is grieving any loss today.

If they can put a man on the moon....

2008-09-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

Why can't they put all of them up there. A wise woman once said.

I am coming off a several days in Court with two of my deadbeat baby daddies. One white, one black. So don't get it twisted.

Men love court. They love the arguing, fighting, bickering. It gets their dicks hard. Even the impotent ones can get a hard on for a court appearance. One of these freaks would serve me to appear in court for every holiday; Valentines day, mother's day my birthday. You think if they left you they'd be through with you. But no they still want court dates with you. I imagine it make them feel like warriors on the battlefield or some stupid shit like that except that. Except in Family court the only people there beating is women and children. And that pretty much sums up how much power they have.

In NY the Jewish baby daddy asks the Court to order me to give him some more money

Court: Why do you need more money grown man with a college degree?

NY Deadbeat: My son is moving back in with me.

Court: But your son lived with you when the order was made. So why do you need more money college educated man whose forgotten how to count?

NY Deadbeat: Cause my social security has gone down since my son turned 18. So I need more money.

Court: That money wasn't your money that was your son's money. So why do you need more money old man on the verge of alzheimers?

NY Deadbeat: Cause I have college expenses.

Court: What happened to the children's college funds which were placed under your control and should have been worth enough to put them through college clear through to a PHD?

NY Deadbeat: I had bills.

Court: Really what bills? The bills of not working or looking for work for the last 12 years?

NY Deadbeat: kids bills. See in 1998 I paid $85 for a doctors appointment and in 2000 I paid $100 for another one and in 2008 I paid $300 for a doctor bill.

SILENCE

BACK ON THE OTHER COAST
We have the Crack Addict, Disbarred attorney who wants the Court to declare that he doesnt have to take any drug tests and that I be restrained from ruining his business and reputation with false allegations about his drug abuse.

COURT: DENIED DENIED DENIED. You don't have a business. You don't have a job. Ive seen your I and E and it has zeroes all the way down. So there's no reputation to ruin. You name yourself as COO of a trillion dollar company but everything's in your wife's name. A man of your stature should earn in the high five figures.

Deadbeat Crack Addict:hhh hi hi high five figures? You think I'm a millionaire ( counting on fingers)

Court: You've got a law degree. Youve got earning capacity. Come back to me again with this story and I'm just gonna order you to get a job! Selling Crack

************
Now that SOUNDS great doesnt it?
But the fact is it means nothing.
The men win. 51-80% of the time in most states. Look it up for yourself.
They never pay. they get paid under the table. they put it in the wife or girlfriends name. They have nothing to lose. They never take a man's visitation away.

But women will get put in jail ,lose their visitation and everything else if they stand in the way of what a man wants. So it make me physically sick. its a form of torture this court harassment. cause you have to show up even though there's nothing to gain. And if you don't show up they win by default and you lose everything.

And then they come back to piss on your grave

RUMOR MILL

2008-09-04T21:54:00.001-07:00

My fiance says palin's hot!
I like a little gossip. And this is just juicy. I'm sure the Republican's think badly of the Democrats but that hissing booing audience last night reminded me of a lynch mob. I would have been afraid to be there and it scared me seeing black people smiling and yukking it up.

Now, I am so not into politics, But I am into birth, I've birthed four children at home. And being in entertainment I know how many myths we can cook up and maintain for decades.

Now that Bristol looked like a nursing mom to me. Nursing breasts and pregnancy breasts just ain't the same.

Now as for Ms Palin flying 3000 miles to give birth... or whether it's Bristol's baby?

This is better than the soap operas!
Now here's a pre-Trig photo and Bristol sure has a little bump to me

The autograph photo is a month before delivery

LADIE'S DAY OUT

2008-08-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

ALL In THE FAMILY

2008-08-16T22:01:00.001-07:00

Cookin' With Kate

2008-08-16T21:48:00.001-07:00

FRESH FIGS WITH HONEYED ICE CREAM

Fresh figs from katie's tree. btushed with creme of balsamic vinegar, sugar and thyme. Cooked in a cast iron skillet coated in canola oil. Served over vanilla ice cream sprinkled with honey. YUMMY!!!

Self Help or Suicide

2008-08-09T22:50:00.000-07:00

If the options are a razorblade, a noose or repeating mantras like "I live in a world of abundance and share from my overflow" while the gas and electricity are turned off and you're taking hoe baths in the Texaco bathroom, the choice is obvious right?

Green Body Products

2008-07-20T12:28:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are really into Green. Soul Blossom Products are the Greenest you will ever find. The are gathered from plants and herbs in the Ozarks on Sister Morningstar's land. She and I and Rebecca Pryor share 70 acres that we have called the Crone's nest. Morningstar has eighy more. She is a Catholic mystic , hermitess nun. One weekend a year, she and her Goddess sisters gather the herbs from the land and pray over them. they then mix the purest products you will ever find. The people there truly live green and sustainably. Many are vegan, vegetarian, they home school. Sometimes we even have the green toilet where our waste is composted. I'd like to see an avaerage American touting "Green" try to live with them for a week. Now that's a reality show
Five blogs in one day... I know, I'm making up for sleeping in with the sinus cold most of the week

Paradox

2008-07-20T12:17:00.001-07:00

Ugh how how do you get rid of a post? I accidentally started this one. Guess I gotta finish it. I marvel at the variety of people and perspectives. I have friends from many walks of life. But I still find myself judging or envying the variety of ways that people choose to live. It's as if I wish there were some right way. I guess I've been trying to do it the right way. But the "right" way must be the way that gives you the greatest peace and satisfaction with the life that you are living. I think I know three people who have that. They have joys and sadnesses. Each of them lives a very unique lifestyle but each of them is also totally accepting of everyone else's way. No judgment, no envy. I feel I am growing more accepting of myself as I am and I hope that age and wisdom will allow me to share that acceptance with everyone in my sphere. But doesn't that mean I have to change? And at the very least its a paradox or oxynoronic. ha ha

Great Artists

2008-07-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

This is some of the work of my dear friend Lili Bernard. beautiful mother of six, extraordinary artist, super women. I am in awe of all that she does. This was last summer. See how my kids have grown and Lili birthed her first daughter since then

Rock Band

2008-07-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

While I spent the weekend sleeping a new generation of rockers took over my house. Singing till 5am waking at noon leaving plenty of cleaning up for me to do.

Renovations2

2008-07-20T11:19:00.001-07:00

Do renovations ever cease. A house is like a child. It always needs something new. I bought this house five years ago. And each year, each job I have added a little something to it. One year I took out all the grass and added california natives. last year was the kitchen, the year before a half bath. I put th New York subway tile in 3 years ago but now with the granite counters, my guy is thinking marble or granite walls and floors too. I dunno. could be nice. I'd rather add another bathroom that just for the master and do all of that. This is still the family bathroom. Efficiency over luxury. But I can see his point. It would look nice. And the company was so fast and efficient they could probably knock it out in two days. hmmmm something to think on.

ARE We A POLICE STATE?

2008-07-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

FACEBOOK used for prosecution. Check out USA Today

So we cant even joke about our life? Our emails are monitored. The internet is the best thing a to track everybody everywhere. Be Where

Renovations

2008-07-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

Whatever I do I tend to do it well, I've even mastered a few things. So I disagree with the astrological forecast that Geminis are jacks of all trades and masters of none. A lot of people take half of a lifetime to reach mastery and the other half beating whatever they've mastered into a state of saleable uselessness. My style is to master quickly and move on. I have no desire to be the Icon of anything. I have no desire to be sculpted into anything that can be duplicated and standardized and repeated adinfinitem.

Ah but the price of that path is to never reach star status with all the $$$ and swag that it brings. I am successful but I'm the perpetual toddler building block towers so I can knock them down.

My bathrooms on it's second renovation. I can't count which one this is for me

I'm So Ghetto

2008-07-17T11:14:00.001-07:00

I was going to hole up in the bed and read a book. Then I remembered that I live at a place where there is a pool. So I decided to go and sit by the pool and pretend to be living a life of luxury. I found my first self portrait. What a big head I have. But it encourages me to finish my portrait with the flowers.

More Jonas

2008-07-13T07:16:00.001-07:00

The Jonas Brothers and Demi Lavotto

2008-07-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

I took my eleven year old to her first concert. Tickets bought on stubhub 145% over the regular price. She loved it. I did too. They are a great band. Great songs. They were actually singing. They seem like nice kids. That Nick is very talented. And best of all because it was an audience of mothers and daughters there was no need to worry of about drunken, drugged out violence. Nothing scares me more than drunken white people especially when they let out a yeeha, I get worried about gettin' lynched. But none of that tonight. Just cute little girls of every age, race and size screaming ( I had the silicone earplugs. that took the noise down 16 decibles, Just enough to hear the music over the screams) and singing to their favorite boy band. We had a great time. The had a screens where you could text messages that most said "Scream if you're going to marry a Jonas Bros"

2008-07-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

The Running of the Bulls

2008-07-12T07:11:00.001-07:00

What kind of crazy shit is this. Only a man could think something like this would be fun.

My son went to a Charter School in Los Angeles. There were no men working at the school. The principal was a psycho Feminist who would pull the boys in when one of them would get hurt playing "boy games" and say "What were you doing when he got hurt?" and they say playing Captain something or other and she would tell the boys who weren't hurt that they had been bullying the other boy. the boys would dutiful nod and be shamed. I thought I have to get my kid out of this place and I did. The kids were just being boys, doing what excites them and as we see in this photo, sometimes people get hurt. I like boys to be boys it just has its consequences.

TGIF

2008-07-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

I look so mean when I don't smile. Well I've put the diet delivery on INDEFINITE hold. It just wasn't working for me this week. I get my daughter from camp tomorrow and drop my son of Monday. Too much stress.

I think I'm tired of the dark roots gonna color them too. Started writing on other peoples blogs. I like it. This may be the perfect tribe for me.

My man's still away for another week. That sucks. I've been keeping my chin up but it's falling.

it's midnight. I'm sleepy. I've nothing to say but I didn't want to go a day without saying something.

Check out epicfu.com. It is very cool!

Still no more word from my son in Amsterdam...

What A Groovy Day

2008-07-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

What a lovely day. I actually wrote something I feel good about. Hooray for me. I was beginning to lose hope. I got to hang out with the amazing Barbara Ehrenreich after a reading of her new book This Land is Their Land, her son, his girlfriend and my oldest friend actress, author , host Annabelle Gurwitch

I get to spend my summer at the beautiful Palazzo East.

And my gorgeous son Myles arrived safely to the Flying Pig Hostel in Amsterdam and I haven't heard from him since. And speaking of Amsterdam, that's Paul and Stew and Me and Heidi at the opening of PASSING STRANGE. Great show catch it before it closes on Broadway July 2oth.

I guess I'd need some visitors for that to make a difference. Ok Christo I get it now.

What A Difference A Year Makes

2008-07-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Look at me and tamara Tunie May 2007. And on the red carpet at the Cat On A Hot Tin Roof Opening.

The most important thing about my life at the moment is that I'm actually present to my life at the moment probably more than I have ever been.

2008-07-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

Looking Ahead

2008-07-09T22:48:00.002-07:00

I've been doing this program for seven days today. I think I didn't binge on the first two days only. I've been starting my day with 30-60minutes of aerobic exercise on the treadmill with 4 count inhalation and 2 count exhalation. Michael Thurmond of extreme body makeover says that makes your body burn more fat like a fire burning slow and hot. Incidentally when I worked privately with Michael and he customized a diet for me and I worked with his trainer, I also had this thing where I became ravenous, my blood sugar dropped and no amount of carbs could bring it up. Now what's that about? I bought his at home program to try when this three weeks of delivery ends. I've become a dieting, blogging Facebook junkie. Cocaine would be a lot easier. Requiem for A Dream deterred me from drugs. I always knew I had an addictive personality. So I never did drugs. I new better. I really dig Michael. He's smart, cool, buddhist. And you get six meals a day with 2 ounces of protein in each. Doesn't that sound like so much more food. Tomorrow I get three shrimp and a coupla bites of beef (plus the cookies, fries , candy and everything else I supplement with ha ha)

It's the menopot that jacks up the look. When I had those breast implant it at least gave the illusion of a smaller waist. But my body hated them. And I got tired of being a big breast. Now I'm an apple or a pear instead of a brick shithouse LOL

today's rabbit food

2008-07-09T21:46:00.001-07:00

Half a bagel, half a teaspoon of apple sauce, half an artichoke? Todays food was a joke.

Doggy Bloggy

2008-07-09T21:02:00.001-07:00

Doggybloggy aka Christopher Gonzales says I need to read more blogs to get more "visitors" to mine. Do I want more visitors? i kind of like the idea of just speaking into the universe uncensored, uncriticized and unanswered back

Fresh Dining Day ?

2008-07-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

manny and I are professional Wii bowlers and `i used to be pretty good at realitii bowling. Today I barely broke 100 infact on the third game I didn't reach 100. Ive completely lost my form. My body wasn't doing what it used to do. I had no aim. No ability to choose or predict anything.

Fresh Dining is all a blur. Half the food sucks now. But the lesson I have learned is that my binging and stress eating is not related to my daughter (who is at camp) or anything other than myself. I carry the angst inside of me. Despite plans to get on a great program of diet and exercise this week, I have binged as much as ever.

AFTER FACEBOOK

2008-07-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

I joined Facebook. Its an obsession a full time job. Which means I don't have a job. I was right to where the wig the audition. All the other contenders had the straight hair thing going on

Fresh Dining Day Six

2008-07-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today I'm just so over the food plan. These portions are a joke. But keeping a food journal is in the news today.An inner core piece of lettuce with some dip? a 1/4 slice of bread? Today's food doesn't even look appetizing. Although I'm still gorged from yesterdays knock down drag out binge. My bowels reflected it too. My intestines don't like that. I ate everything in sight. All the party leftovers. I figured I'd get them all out of the way at once. 2 cardio sessions, yoga and therapy today. I used to envy my friend Paula spending her days like this all in self indulgence. Some guys like that girl. They don't want a woman who has a life beyond the beauty salons and spas. Eric clearly liked that girl before he met me. Sneddon liked that girl. I think alot of men get tired of that girl and hopefully by the time they do, she's ready to do something else too. I'm really not cut out for it. But if the gift has been given to me I want to capitalize on it and look better by the time it ends. This is not far off actual size. GROWWWLL

STEPPERS

2008-07-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

This is a part of my life and upbringing. I hope to bring it to the screen

The Tuesday That Wasnt

2008-07-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

Who am I anyway?
What day is today?

on the way to tomorrows audition. Dropping Maija at camp. In the car. It's been a jacked up day. I started good at the gym at 6am for 45minutes with my deep breathing. Then we headed to Camp hollywwodland and got lost three times. Even the Park Ranger gave us bad directions from mapquest. We left at 7:45 and finally arrived at 11:00. We were in Griffith park mind you. They had a power outtage and didnt even know if camp was on. Now I'm worried about my baby and stuffing it in with cheese and crackers, and cookies and yogurt and honey and chips, I want more. back to the gym soon. I took Manny and a friend to the pool today and there were four little stair step boys, maybe 7, 8,9,10 playing in the pool. Two girls were sitting at a table watching them. The littlest one hauled off and spit a hocker in the girls face. They didn't speak English so I don't know what went down. I don't care because I wanted to beat that child's ass. But the girl didn't raise her voice or a hand she just wiped her face and went on as if nothing happened. She looked to see if anyone saw. I made sure she knew that I had seen it all. I felt really sorry that for whatever reason she had to just take that. I imagined them from some country where they stone people to death. That little boy wouldn't have to worry about spitting again cause I'd have had his tongue ripped out
The best part of today? Manny made PRO on WII bowling!!! hurray

Fresh Dining Day Four

2008-07-06T20:50:00.001-07:00

Todays food was tasy and edible but not appetizing and certainly not worthy of photographing: lunchmeat and greek dolmas uggghh. Ive cheated the last two days with Lime Tortilla chips. I had a serious craving. I was just reading about low blood pressure, which I have, and I probably really needed the salt. I weighed in a 184 today. That sucks. cause it means I idnt hold the 183 from September. And Im up from the 179 I achieved in march. Not to mention starving the last four days. I probably started at 186. I read that you could have a glass of wine or coffee. So Ive been having cocunut water.
Tomorrow's food looks better. Being busy helps. If I'm active, every thought doesnt revolve around food. `today I went to the Body World Exhibit. So beautiful. They actually call that chocolate cake. I'd call it a chocolate crumb

While mama cat's away

2008-07-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

The house painting is coming along. Only 2 1/2 rooms to go. But then the floors get done and the closets. Hopefully we can move back in mid-August. Not that Im not enjoying the Palazzo. The convenience of the gym alloes me to go twice a day. I may just knock off some of this lard

The garden is glorious. The Cana are blooming and the red fir grass is in bloom. The texarkana are doing well. Soon I will have a garden fortress around my little house. I really love it

The Fifth of July

2008-07-05T14:33:00.001-07:00

Good Science vs Bad Science

2008-07-04T19:52:00.001-07:00

I made the mistake of getting into a discussion with a friend about global warming and then I couldnt get out. I really could care less, But Eric, who is a scientist says its not a done deal. Im being careful with my words here. She is very for it. And told me that every science who was any science had reached a consensus that it was real and all the other quacks practicing "bad science" should be ignored. What I needed Eric here to say is. "Consensus is bad science. Science is a method of experimentation and proof. And everyone agrees that the "Science" hasn't been done and " Consensus" doesn't make it so.

But Eric wasn't here. And even if I had said that she would have beat me down and I really don't care enough to fight about it.

Now "Good Science" is my Fresh Dining Program 1200-1400 calories a day.

Eric sent me this link http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/question693.htm and I learned that it takes 12 calories a day per pound of weight to maintain. So at my current 183lbs, I need 2196 calories to maintain. But if I want to be 140lbs and maintain thatthen I can eat 1680 calories a day to maintain that. So if I reach 140 I can eat only 280-480 calories more a day. Oh boy. Well that could be a chocolate muffin or a peanut butter cookie and a light frappacino I suppose. It 8:02pm and Ive already scoped out tomorow's meal. I cant wait to wake

Have Justice Will Travel

2008-07-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

There was a story on the news about an abused woman who became a lawyer. "Have JusticeWill Travel " was her moniker. I saw her walking. She was obese. That's what happens to us when we're traumatized as a kid. If we cant get to booze or narcotics we turn to food. Its cheap and readily accessible. I've always eaten alot. Its just when I was young I was moving and dancing all day. So I burned it off. Now ever stressor I reach to put something in my mouth like the huy in "Wanted" with his anxiety pills. The only thing is that Im so primed for stress that good and bad things produce the same result now. Im always reaching to push a feeling down. Mine got worse after losing custody of my kids. I could have used some traveling justice then

OBSESSION

2008-07-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

its 11:55am and these are my last three meals to get me through the day. As you can see it's the only thing on my mind for the day. 1:30pm for lunch. I'll try to hold out till two. Take a nap. I was expecting friends. Go to a movie, How will I survive. I cant find my vibrator and my fiance isnt here so i cant even distract myself with sex. I just downed 16oz of water. I want some coconut water. This is my idea of a snack, not a meal.

That's a small prescription bottle. Can you believe that portion of bread pudding? My favorite dessert. Its not even a bite in the real world of gaining 15 pound a year since for the last three years. That's why Im doing this. keep reminding myself. I will survive. The gym is open till 2pm maybe I should go back again. The fear is your body gets used to the miniscule meals and you eat one real meal and blow up like a blimp. My friend did zone last year and lost 45 pounds but soon as she stopped she gained it all back and more. Ricky Lake told me she still keeps the Fresh Dining meals coming a year after her weight loss

Wishful thinking

2008-07-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

My chip "snack" was in that ipod size bag. I don't think the crumbs would have added up to one single real Chip. Its been a day and half. & meals. The kids are still alive. But I need some results. I don't have a scale. so the photos will do. The food is soooo delicious. I lick the plates. Or am I just really HUNGRY?!! I told Eric when we go out he can just order and I can take two bites and that is what is a proper portion. aggggghhhh. I see maybe a little less gut bloat. Its a start

Fresh Dining Day One

2008-07-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

Fresh Dining Day One. The entire bag of food was the equivalent of one meal. Ever dish was delicious. Italian Chicken and vegetable has w/scrambled eggs , sliced cucumbers and tomatoes( half of which exploded inside the microwave) for breakfast. Seared Ahi with Tuna Tatake ponzu for snack, Tuscan Shrimp Pizza with garden salad w/ red wine vinaigrette for lunch. Grilled lamb with artichoke fennel and coriandor salsa, sweet potato gratin and grilled blue lake beams and rosemary au jus for dinner and a key lime square for dessert. Five meals. I had the first at 8 the second at 10:30am the third at 1:00 the fourth and fith at 6 and 6:20pm. I have hours before bed and Im starving. it was soooooo delicious. But half cup portions. I gained 15lbs this past year. We calculated that at an additional 150 calories a day or that tall latte that I developed the habit of enjoying with my fiance. Not worth it for sure.

Took the kids to the pool and grocery shopping for foods I wouldnt have to cook. Im hungry. I need to go to sleep now. but then I'd be up at 4am and they may have not delivered tomorrows food by then. I told my kids I was gonna be extra cranky without food so they had better do what I said to do the FIRST time. it worked once.

Ive got three kids over and I cheated with a piece of bubble gum at 6:50 32calories. Maybe that half hopur on the elliptical will cover for it

SHAMELESS

2008-07-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

My latest project sculpting this form.
IyiI I got work to do

IMPERSONATIONS

2008-06-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

manuel as HIROEric as The Big Bad Wolf

Maija as a One Eyed Susan

THE MASTER TEACHER

2008-06-30T15:03:00.001-07:00

You know after studying with Seth Riggs while doing Caroline or Change in California I decided to give up on singing. His students include Natalie Cole and Tamia and I just felt that if I couldnt sing like that there was no pint in going on. Those ladies go top to bottom without any break. Anika Noni Rose has that, Capathia Jenkins, Ramona Keeler a very few. But Im getting better and debuting the mix today at NAACP. Pray for us all

MAC

2008-06-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

I get to kill two birds with one brush today. Had my make-up done by Mary Kula at the MAC store. I have a film audition plus performing for the NAACP. Its hot as hell and I'm melting. So we laid it on thick. It's a great deal. For the cost of having a make-up artist come to my house, I got my make-up done and some new brushes and make-up too. Mary's got the prettiest eyes. That's my fitout on the chair.

Negro African American Colored People

2008-06-29T10:48:00.001-07:00

That's my new name for the NAACP. And here we are at the workshop Actor's on Acting. In my usual fashion I moderated and it was intense and practical. Folks may have wanted to wa poetic about the art. But you can't pay the rent on that.
That's (from left to right) Tracey Thoms, Me, L. Scott Caldwell. Iris Little Thomas. (Back Row) I only remember Tom, Barbara, Willis and Richard Gant.

Dr Pat Allen

2008-06-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

Here She is,Dr Pat Allen. The mother we all need to have. From our first phone conversation in February 2005 to my proposal February 12, 2008, Dr Pat walked and talked me through my shit. And now I have a wonderful man and an even more wonderful ring.
And Eric got down on one knee and proposed again. It was even more romantic than the first the first time.

Another Day in LA

2008-06-27T06:50:00.001-07:00

Not much on the radar. Well I am having a card party tomorrow and I do have to sing two brand new songs on Monday. I guess thats a lot. And I haven't gotten much of my regular shit done. I have a plan to get into a regiment next week. yeah right

To Wig or Not to Wig?

2008-06-26T12:43:00.001-07:00

I have an audition for an Italian whore. I don't know if I should wear my hair or a wig?
What do you think?

No painting today

2008-06-23T19:44:00.001-07:00

We moved and all my paintings are sitting on the out door porch of the new place. Lets pray there are no rain storms or tornados here. I was sitting by the pool with my man watching the kids swimming. I said "My kids have had a much more privileged life than I ever had" and he replied "Is there a problem with that?"

Why should there be a problem with that, But most anyone else I know could have turned it into a deep conversation. And he said "Its my purpose in life to make that be so"

My mouth just hung open

New DaY NEW LIFE

2008-06-23T19:36:00.001-07:00

I must have used that title before as autofill took over. Well there's nothing new under the sun. I was thinking today that I need some therapy to help me not be so critical and angst filled and always looking for the problem. Then by mid day I thought maybe you just need to find a way to be happy being a critical and angst filled and always looking for the problem. Now there's a novel thought for me. Gotta stop taking myself so seriously

New DaY NEW LIFE

2008-06-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

Pity Pot

2008-06-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

Back from NY and celebrating my son Myles' 18th BD and HS Graduation. A very happy time and a very sad time. His father left after the graduation. What a privilege I thought that was for him to have had his fill and be able to leave. I was thirsty for more of my son. I stayed and followed him around, took pictures eventually tears fell. Tears that have been held back for the sixteen years I missed of his life. Tears that continue to fall. Tears that mask pain and murderous rage. We shared a meal, he is handsome and opinionated and off to see the world. How I love him so

ugh

2008-06-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Trying to work with the abstract thing. It's been an unusual day. Trying to sort the spiritual and the material. The only thing concrete right now is this painting. And Im off to see my son for his 18th birthday and graduation. Yeah!

CRAZY DAY

2008-06-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Plans falling through. I just keep painting. Nothing else to do.

What a difference a day made for Darmia.

The Start of Something New

2008-06-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

The background of that canvas has been painted for six months. So today I put something in front. Scary start. But isn't everything

Darmia Deja Vu

2008-06-17T08:47:00.001-07:00

Well now I know why the paint scraped off so easily this morning. Its not the first time I've made this mistake. I did the same thing on the landscape with me in front. I've been working on that for over six months now, waiting for each layer to dry. I mixed oils and acrylics. Aaaaaahhhhh. There's some rule that I don't know about that. I think its that you can paint oil over acrylic. But I actually mixed the paints together and used water. So I will have to finish up in oil. And I don't get the finished a day acrylic high. I'll just have start something new in acrylic while Darmia dries up. Is life like this? We start and stop mix it wrong, wait, start something new, come back and start again...

My Brilliant artist ,friend Lili Bernard says she photographs her paintings outdoors in the shade

lilibernard.com

Can you tell what's different in each painting?

NEW DAY NEW LIFE

2008-06-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

I actually like it with albino eyes too. I'm kinda somber today. I've started over many times in my life. And I'm at another staring poin. I don't know what the future will bring. I hope more painting and writing, creating. For now Darmia and I will keep challenging each other.
In the light of morning, the eyes had to come off again

What a difference an Eye Makes

2008-06-16T21:37:00.001-07:00

Oh My Man I Love Him So

2008-06-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

My Man arrives in the states tomorrow. What a wonderful world.

Darmia before bed

2008-06-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

My nine year old son was so mean to me, saying the painting was hideous. I had to give it one more attempt before bed. I can't even think anymore. night night. kids

This is mean Manuel

Diminishing Darmia

2008-06-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Its time to call it quits for the night. I'm at the point o diminishing returns

Darmia in process

2008-06-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

The sun has set so my colors aren't the same now. I've begun Darmia's eye surgery. You can see what a beauty she is. This is my meditation. I'm more present to painting than to almost anything else. No judgment just joy.

Oh the painting in the background is not mine. It's a Rassouli. Does anybody know how to contact him. It needs some repair. My step daughter vomited on it, His contact info isn't on the certificate and I haven't been able to find him on line. I must be spelling his name wrong.

Everyday is a Birthday in the Garden

2008-06-16T19:50:00.001-07:00

I planted a Jacaranda tree today. Next summer I will enjoy the purple blossoms. Now I need some Irises

Darmia with the paint patch

2008-06-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

And my process begins. I didn't wait for it to dry. I just started in. We'll see how many tries it takes to get it right

Darmia with one eye wrong

2008-06-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

I started a painting today of my friend Donna's daughter Darmia. The only thing is that I got one eye wrong. My son, Manuel said "That is hideous" But I love it anyway.So after it dries I will paint it out and fix it, But here it is as I said I love my paintings in every phase.

Teaching

2008-06-16T12:35:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start coaching. Teaching is as thrilling to me as performing on stage. Its the same connection. I love watching someone find their power. I can always see it. And them it's about creating a space for the person to own it and build the muscles to sustain it. I love it

LAst NIGHT AT AND HER HAIR WENT WITH HER

2008-06-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

No pics today. I should carry my camera. Lots of Diva's were at the show last night: Finn Carter, Michole White, Michele Shay and Alfre Woodard. Also my film school teacher and his wife Kirsten. Tracey and I held court telling everyone about our crazy experience putting the show up. Its really quite a story.