HAIR

Life is becoming very Black and White with age.

First there are the Black hairs that are taking over my entire face.

Then there are the White hairs which are taking over my head

Its not just aging, its reverse evolution I'm returning to the Planet of The Apes.

Today I decided to fight back against my premature hirsuteness.

My Doctor says I'm too young for it to be hormones.

And there was just so much of it, I cant believe it can be attributed to the dripping off the two weeks of female Rogaine usage.

Whatever the cause, today I went in search of the cure

At Raya Day Spa, the sumptuous Russian, Tania. promised to make look "Bweteefull"

I had taken 3 advil in preperation for the stripping of my Elvis sideburns

But Tania had more in store

"You vant me to tek allovit?"

"Yes all of it"

"You vill be bweteefull"

She began with my brows. Not much there especially because I am trying out the new Anastasia styled thick ebrows

Next she moved to my forehead.

"Ouch"

then my cheeks

OUch , ouch, ouch

And my beard

"Holy fuck"

I asked for her to stop half way through so I could see the difference

It was like night and day. The waxed side was bright and shiny albeit red and bruised

While the unwaxed side was shadowed and reminded me of Michael's Jackson's pet Bubbles

"Keep going"

I braced my self, squeezing my eyes tight and flinching with every rip of the cloth

"How about your nose?"

"My nose"

"Oh it's nasty nasty'

She shoved a lollipop stick of wax up my nose and then shoved the clothe strip inside"

OOOOOuch

She held up the blackened clothe

"Look at dis, nasty"

Two more swipes and my nose was visible. I looked at one nostril and then the other. The waxed one looked like a human nasal passage while the unwaxed one a black pit an abyss of mucosal snot

I had never seen my nostrils before

At least not in years

maybe I just hadn't been looking

Now Tania wanted to do more, my legs

I never wax my legs but when I glanced down I had become a grizzly bear overnight. Hairs grew from the knuckles of my toes

"I'm scared Tania"

"It's nothing, you don't need this its summer you don't need to keep warm"

"O kouch"

This went on for a good hour

Thank God for the Advil though next time I may bring morphine

I'm guilty

Its always easy to know whats best for somebody else
I'm guilty
I was just remembering different things people have said to me over the years. Everybody knows what you should and if you do it and it doesn't come out the way they said , it was your fault

nobody even takes responsibility for not knowing anything about their own damn lives and especially not knowing enough to tell anybody else anything

I'm guilty
One "friend" told another "I don't think Tonya likes me because she never does what I tell her to do"
It is so easy to stand in judgment over somebody else's life

I'm guilty

I've had to make a lot of tough decisions in my life. Do I have regrets? Absolutely
Do they plague me at times
Absolutely
Would I do it differently
I don't know
I'm not who I was them. that me was doing the best she could

the toughest part for me is the people who know whats best for you

And who cant wait to say "I told you so or I knew it" mostly they are simply silently smug

I'm guilty (mostly with my kids on this one)

Well right now Ive gotta do some hard shit. And everybody's got an opinion. And nobody knows anything
The people who project their own fear on you are the one's who curse you. they can't imagine anything but their fear scribbled outcome.

I'm guilty

I'm guilty of every judgment, projection, trespass...

But right now I just need the power of prayer and loving support
Hold me up somebody
See me in the light

Doing Your Thing

This rant probably makes little sense out of context. But, I wrote it in response to a friend's loving warnings not to take on a nasty public fight with some folks who I allowed myself to become a victim of.

There was a quote on my igoogle page yesterday that said something like "Always and Never are two words one should always remember to Never use"

My Oprah quote about being "One of the ten women in America who will take your breath away," is a result of that early battle in NY. And now I'm doing it again in CA after telling myself "never again"

My "not doing it again" was based on the fact that, when I stood up against the NY judge and participated in having him removed from the bench, not a single other mother whom it would have helped, whom it did help, stood beside me. My comrades were older woman, long past motherhood

We succeeded and it cost me two years of seeing my kids. And I have no regrets. I am wiser now in that I know that if I bring these people down ,I cannot expect the assistance of the dozens of others she's defrauded. they are too afraid. I get most of my info from them but they would never stand up for themselves
So I do it for myself, because I don't want to live in a world where things are so bad that you just have to suffer in silence. I"D RATHER DIE FIGHTING

My therapists specialty is survivors IN war. He spent time in Bosnia and Kosovo during the war. He told me that those people survive by taking turns carrying the burden, But the leaders don't get to share the burden with anyone

Sister Morningstar believes she has died a martyr in every past life. And her mission this time is to do it differently. I tried that choice on for a while.

Its not my path

My biggest fault has been that in the fight I have shunned certain kinds of allies and rested when the pressure eased, which is exactly when I should have been doubling my efforts.

This time, I'm learning. I'm learning that when the other side fights dirty. You must use the same tactics for to assume being above that is to lose.

Sometime, you might want to read some Fox-Piven. I cant recall her first name. But she writes about how all the great "movements of the last century, abolition, suffrage, civil rights, had to break the rules and laws that were designed to keep them from having what they were fighting for.

Maija is a survivor. She is the better version of me.

Morningstar said all girls must become their mothers. And you want your daughter to say when the tough moment comes "Ah that's why mother..." rather than " I will never, because mother...."

I want my son and daughter to stand up and fight because mother did and no matter how difficult and no matter what the outcome she did it and to be able to appreciate that.

The Price of progress

I am emailing in flight for the first time

I remember when the fax machine became affordable and readily available. I would sit up all night faxing. I was so amazed by the technology. I'm sure my friends and co-workers were not so pleased with my using up their ink and paper to share every new idea that pooped into my head.

Now I'm just as giddy with inflight email. I should be sleeping since I only had 4 hours but I cant help emailing people to say "I'm emailing inflight"

How...ridiculous

and addictive

Technology fascinates and frightens me. That's the addictive combination pleasure plus danger equal adrenalin rush!!!!!

I remember reading FOUR ARGUMENTS FOR THE ELIMINATION OF TELEVISION and it was either that or IN THE ABSENCE OF THE SACRED that puts forth the proposition that every new technology is sold to us for the good qualities even though the marketeers are fully aware of all of the BAD qualities.

And we buy into the good with a tacit and implicit acceptance of whatever negative consequence it carries

Like, I was listening to two guys in the gym. They happened to be a White guy and a Black Guy. The white guy was talking about how he sold insurance. And that there used to be a time when people would call and the standard answer was "I'll get back to you.' And we folks expected to wait a few weeks for a response. He said now folks call and they have 10 quotes from the internet infront of them and they want your answer immediately or they are moving on to whomever can get it to them quicker and cheaper.

On the one hand the guys were saying it has made most companies have to produce, better, cheaper and faster but...

But, they extrapolated, this ready availability of transporting information and purchasing and selling has a direct correlation to the global financial collapse.

The Black guy said, "Yeah people used to have to hand write quotes for stock sales and there was a delivery process and time. Now suddenly with internet transactions, there were millions of transactions a second. And there is just no way it is humanly possible to moniter or oversee the truth or validity with that kind of volume.

Yeah, so we've got our speed and convenience but so have the criminals. they can now get paid quicker and disappear quicker and not only never get caught because they have anonymity online but because there are just too many of them to catch

So while I'm loving my inflight email today...
I might not feel the same once the first inflight hackers start pulling my paswords and private information because now we are locked in a box together for several hours and their devices have the time to work things out and I will never know what hit me

Mortality

I'm too old to feel so obsolete. At least I think I am. But I feel very out of touch.

But then people twice my age have been running the world for as long as Ive been living.

Its just that I have children in multiple generations. And I dont know what they're talking about. And they laugh at the things I say. And ask me what things were like in the "olden days"

Ive lost my passion for creativity. I wonder if anyone is still out there who even thinks the way that I do.

For instance, is there anyone out there who thinks that releasing your sex tapes or letting people watch you cheat on your mate , beat up your rival or just fuck up and over everyone in your family and life might be the kind of thing to keep in the closet.

Oh its fun to watch! But then I start wondering if that's what it takes to get on TV and if it is I just don't have what it takes.

For one, I'm too wide and round for anyone to wanna watch me having sex except as maybe an advertisement for birth control

And its hard to have rivals when you're in bed by ten and cant remember the last time you were in a bar and basically aren't in the game to generate any competition.

And the shit gets me fired up to fuck people up is stuff like justice and basic human rights which are so passe, so illogical, irrational and just plain out of touch with reality.

Ive been watching the news and I anticipate the next crop of reality shows will be : White Collar Crime: the cream rises to the top or For Honor and Country-Tips on degrading and humiliating the enemy

Oprah apologized to James Frey. Do you think she'll call in a personal favor and ask Obama to pardon Madoff

I'm plotting my own rise to the top, I know I'll have to get dirty and throw open the closet and let all my dirty laundry fly

stay tuned somethin's brewin'

New Year New.....?

Okay so the year is half over.
So I shot new actor photos this past week. Great photographer, Jeff Nicolson of The Shot Photography. Alex kelly did my hair. Mary Kula and Lisa Arturo did the make-up.
The catch is I feel and photigraph younger and better than I'm ever cast.
We tried to do goofy and old and it didn't quite work out.

The fact is no one is hiring me to be sexy, even though grandmothers have to be fuckable to get a job in Hollywood. And I'm everybody's mama or grandmama

So I love the photos. But will the girl in them get any work...?

Lets hope so

30lbs to go....

Plateau

Seven months and 35lbs down. I was a size 16 and now I'm a twelve. I wish I could say I truly feel the difference. Oh I know there is a difference. Ive loved buying and whereing clothes i wouldnt have been caught dead in last year. And the attention and looks are nice, A preety woman can really have her way
My biggest challenge is the dysmorhia. I internally and emotionally feel fatter than ever. Somehow the rolls I see now seem so much worse. One of my friends once said to me that when you get smaller you see MORE in terms of definition and musculature and it can translate into more size in the dysfunctional mind because when you're larger you're just one amorphous ball
I can sort of relate to that. Lot of stress so I havent been able to cut back on my eating any extra or add any more exercise. Been holding between these 5lbs for a month. But thats pretty good considering that Ive been to the best eating towns in America and managed to maintain


Going on vacation. If I don't gain it is a success